India Part 1 of 2: A Heart That Knows God

*Editorial Note: This blog was penned on 2.12.2012, but is only being published on 3.1.2012 due to availability--or lack thereof--of time and technical resources since 2.12.2012. Better late than never!

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This month, I am getting to do something I never imagined I would do in my lifetime: going to my motherland--India--with two American friends, Meghan and Rene Workman. For the purpose of this blog post, I will refer to them by our dearly coined nicknames: Buddy (Meghan) and Mommy (Rene). It's just easier that way.

We planned this trip during the fall of 2011 during a weekend that Buddy & her Mommy came to visit me in Indy and ever since then, have been in eager anticipation, countdown-mode, ready to get on the airplane that would carry us from Atlanta to Bombay. I honestly feel like I am totally winging this trip. Just before I left, I accepted a new job with another company and learned that I would be moving to the Washington DC area this Spring / Summer. So, with trying to wrap up my old job, cleaning my house, prepping for home sale, etc., packing and physical preparation (shots, malaria medicine, clotting-prevention socks, etc.) took a back seat. I packed two days before departure, stayed up till midnight that night to make sure my packing doesn't exceed 50 lbs. and it didn't. That night anyway. We get to the airport and my bag is 53 lbs. Fail. Even the efforts I mustered up at the last minute to pack failed me. Oh well. Good thing I didn't spend more time on it. I made it to India with my friends and that's all that matters.

While I won't have the time, energy, or space to recount every day of this trip in the detail I would like, I am going to share some of the most memorable moments thus far (5 days in).

First, on the way to the airport to leave on February 6, I got a call from my sister around 9:45 AM to notify me that our American grandpa, Monty Justice, had passed away at 9:07 AM that morning. For those of you who don't know Monty (or "Monty Uncle" as my sister and I called him), was battling pancreatic cancer since he was diagnosed with it on November 11, 2011. The cancer took a turn for the worse on Sunday, February 5 and the docs gave him "a few hours or days." My parents and I went and saw him and his wife (my American grandma, Becky--or "Becky Aunty") that afternoon. What I remember most about that visit was not necessarily Monty Uncle's physical appearance or condition, but rather Becky Aunty's. During our short visit (20 min.), I heard Becky Aunty say "God is so good," four different times. While holding the hand of her dying husband, she could've easily defaulted to being angry with God for taking her love away, but no, she was praising Him. I believe it was because she fully grasped the idea of glorifying God in everything she did. I believe she understood the purpose of her life on this earth was to glorify God because He deserves it. I believe she understood the sovereignty of God--that He allows bad things--like losing a spouse--happen to good people because He desires to use everything in our lives for His bigger, better plan that we as humans cannot wrap our heads around.

Second memorable moment: my 6 AM quiet time with God on the morning of February 8 (day 1 in India) watching the Mumbai sunrise. One of the things I was most worried about on this trip as that I would feel far from the presence of God. That my relationship with Jesus would change because I am going outside my daily comfort zone and entering totally different surroundings, going outside of my daily routine. Then a couple of days before my trip, I saw this quote pop up on my Twitter feed: "A heart that knows God, can find God anywhere." ~A.W. Tozer. And boy, did I ever find God. I resolved to not change my morning quiet time routine just because I am on vacation. So every day, I get out of bed and spend 1:1 time with Jesus to fill my spirit up for the day, just like I try to do at home. I am finding God in more ways on this trip, than I imagined, not only during my prayer time, but in other experiences: during times with my family, watching beautiful sunrises and sunsets, in our travels around all the cities, even in going to a Hindu temple....which brings me to my third memorable moment...

On February 11, we visited Nadhwara temple, just outside of Udaipur. Ndhawara is one of the most famous temples in the state of Rajhastan and really a mecca for Indians making a pilgrimage back to their homeland. At first, when my Buddy said she wanted to go to a temple, I was so hesitant. Partially because I didn't want to drudge up that part of my past. Partially because I didn't know what I would do with myself at a temple since I wouldn't want to participate in any of the poojas (prayers). Then the next day, I felt God say to me in my spirit that we should go to the temple. How weird is that? Weird, but it's true. I felt like God was telling me to stop being selfish, that this trip is not about me, but about my Buddy and her Mommy, and that perhaps, this going-to-the-temple experience--as awkward as it may be--may be the very thing that opens the door to a discussion on faith--if I will just let it. So I said let's go, and so we went.

My uncle mentioned--actually more like warned--to us that the temple will be packed and that there will be a lot of pushing and shoving because the god, "Srina Ji" will be there and everyone wants the best / closest "view" of the god for as long as possible. I think we all appreciated the background and warning, but no amount of it could've prepared us for what we experienced.

I heard the driver tell my uncle that he was able to secure a "VIP entrance" for us and even with that, once the temple door opened, we got to experience probably the closest thing to a stampede, that we'll ever be a part of. Buddy held on to her Mommy, who held onto me because we were determined not to lose each other in the crowd. As I looked around at the people, I saw a great devotion...a reverence really, for this god. They couldn't wait to see Srina Ji and give of their offerings and put their prayer requests on their altar. This I strangely related with. I love going to my home church in KY, I find joy in giving away my money through tithes and offerings, and I am constantly in awe of Jesus. And every morning, I cast all my prayer requests on the altar (figuratively speaking) and ask God for His blessings upon my life and the lives of my loved ones. We (the people at the temple and me) may be doing these things in different ways, but the fact that we do them at all was a HUGE similarity. Cool.

So, what was different (other than the obvious--that we worship different gods)? I realized that in the midst of the devotion, the offering and praying, there was an element of fear in the Indian people. Fear that they won't get to see their god. Fear that if they do get lucky enough to see Srina Ji, that they won't get to see him for long "enough." Or fear that they won't be able to appropriately give offerings or get all their proper requests out. This was a huge difference the Indian people I saw worshipping Srina Ji, and the Christian people I know (including myself) who have a living, active, relationship with Jesus Christ. I'm not talking about those Christians who go to church on Sunday and forget about Jesus on Monday. I'm talking about those people who live in the divine presence of God daily an participate in a relationship with Jesus. No fear.

When we left the temple, I had an an interesting exchange with my Buddy and her Mommy. My buddy asked me whether or not I felt like I betrayed my God by going to the temple. My split-second thought was, oh boy, here we go. I am always petrified of talking about my faith with my loved ones who don't share in the same beliefs for the fear of alienation. I, by no means, want to alienate people I love. And I think that type of sensitivity to a certain point is healthy. But mine is unhealthy to a point that it paralyzes me--verbally. My answer to her questions as, "no, not at all." She then proceeded to ask me, "do you believe that there is one God or multiple gods?" By now I am sweating bullets. I answered, "one God. But I believe He manifests Himself in different ways." Mommy then chimed in to clarify, "Oh that one God could manifest into different gods..." to which I responded something like, "no, there is one God, not many gods." And then just stopped there. I noticed a disappointed look on my Buddy's face. And in my own spirit, I, too was disappointed--in myself. I was disappointed in myself because I felt in that moment, I let my God down. In that moment, I was unprepared, too fearful (perhaps?) of explaining the reasoning behind my belief, the hope that I have in Jesus.

Side note: I think it's really ironic and intriguing, that I feel I let God down in the talk-about-my-faith-part vs. the going-to-the-temple-part.

I reflected on this little exchange during the entire car ride back. And those that know me, know that by "reflected" I mean "obsessed." I made up stories and lies in my head about my Buddy not wanting to be friends with me anymore, about awkwardness. I beat myself up for getting verbally paralyzed. Then after a 10-minute nap, I came to my senses. I remember that my Buddy and her Mommy know me well enough to know that I must have a solid reason for my radical belief that there is one true God. I reminded myself that the God I believe in is a God of unconditional love and forgiveness and most of all, redemption. I reminded myself that God uses everything in my life--the successes, the failures, the surprises, the let-downs ultimately for the good. He redeems. Then I obsessed over precisely how He would redeem the situation. As if I had not done enough obsessing already. Then I had this vision later in the evening to blog about my experience because I am infinitely, exponentially, better in the written word than I am in the spoken word.

For the rest of the evening, I thought about different things I wanted to say to my Buddy and her Mommy about why I believed what I believed. I wanted to tell them that the God I believe in, is a God of unconditional love. And that it's impossible for Unconditional Love to manifest Himself into smaller gods; smaller gods of cows (Srina Ji), elephants (Ganesha), destruction (Shiva), etc. I wanted to tell them that the God I believe in, is not an elusive God, such that people have to push and shove their way to see Him or talk to Him. That the God I believe in makes Himself freely available to everyone--anytime, anywhere. I wanted to say that the God I believe in doesn't require sacrificial offerings such as milk, or fruit, or veggies, or diamonds--that the only thing Jesus requires is our hearts--for us to put our trust in Him with all our heart and He promises to offer us a life more abundant than we ever imagined. I wanted to let them know that the God I believe in showers gifts down on His people who are faithful to Him everyday, not just when He gives us things. And I wanted so badly to tell them that Jesus offers us a direct connection to Him...that one doesn't need to go to an astrologer to get guidance or insight or pressing life matters...that we can pray to Jesus and ask for wisdom...discernment...and trust that we WILL get a response. And lastly I wanted to tell them that with Jesus, one doesn't need to house a cow at home in order to get good things. That there are no such conditions. That Jesus operates under the notion of free will, not conditions. That He leaves it up to us to seek Him and find a relationship with Him and receive His unconditional love...and ultimately put our faith in Him and the greater plan He has for our lives and eternal life in heaven. Srina nor any other gods in the Hindu faith promise that. In my perfect world, where I don't get verbally paralyzed in "adult conversations," I would've said all that.

I know it's a difficult pill to swallow--one God. But I think God's intention was to keep it simple--one God, not hundreds of them. Not dead religious motions, but a living, active, relationship. Not a chance at a reincarnated life based on works, but the promise of an eternal life in heaven; THAT is the destiny for which He created us.

People probably think that what I'm doing--putting my trust in One Lord, Jesus Christ, is a huge risk. Kinda like putting all my eggs in one basket. What if it's not the right basket? Then I ask them, what if it is? If we had all the proof in the world that the Jesus-basket is the right one, then choosing Jesus would be a no-brainer and God would've won us over by default, rather than by free-will. If we had all the evidence to prove Jesus Christ is Lord and the Bible is true, what would that accomplish? We would still be empty--our souls thirsting for more. God knows that we are wired--at the core--to have relationship, so in His sovereignty, He doesn't force Himself on us, nor does He weigh His burden of proof on our shoulders. Rather, He patiently waits for us to seek Him out, while He relentlessly loves and pursues us for a relationship with Him. And because of all these things, I know that the Jesus-basket is the right basket in which to place ALL my eggs. By faith in Him, I've seen miracles in my life and in the lives of my loved ones. Miracles that have only one explanation: God.

So what about the Indian people worshipping Srina Ji, or Lord Shiva or Lord Ganesha...? I wish more than anything that they would come to know about the freedom that Jesus offers and the unconditional love, which has the power to cast out all their fear. My mother is living, breathing proof of this powerful transformation. I guess that's why I want to come back to India someday on a mission trip. For that exact reason.

I shot my mom a text yesterday letting her know I set foot in a temple for the first time in almost 20 years and that I was so thankful that she is free from all that bondage and that I was prevented from it. That quote by A.W. Tozer couldn't be more true, "A heart that knows God, can find God anywhere." Literally. Even in a busy Hindu temple. I am amazed. And it's only day 5 of our trip. Can't wait to see what else is in store.